Before Swiping Right (Or Left) On Your Romantic Potential Online, Keep An Eye Out For These Characters

From the pages of literature to the digital age, oh have the times changed.

This isn’t your Disney fairytale where a happy ending is almost always guaranteed. When it comes to online dating, take heed and proceed with extreme caution.

Related: NO GRAY AREA: AN INTROSPECTIVE GUIDE TO NAVIGATE THE RELATIONSHIP UNKNOWN

Oh, how the times have changed. Remember those carefully handwritten letters where every last bit of emotion is poured onto the page, lengthy phone calls that often defies the passing of time, to painstakingly planned dates that would put every rom-com trope to shame? Today, much of thr pursuits of romance have been compressed into a series of bits and bytes online. A simulation of finding love on the virtual plane, the rise of on online dating apps has since positioned itself into a ritual of reliance with swipes, matches, and likes becoming part of everyday conversation on matters of the uhm, heart.

At this point of discussion, it isn’t a new thing by any means. Sure, it can be easy, effortless, and efficient to a fault, but you have to admit, it has compelled connections where it would otherwise been much more of a challenge IRL. With people fully assimilating and acclimating to the rapid takeover of analog traditions by the digital revolution moving at an exponential pace, the ease of online dating has become somewhat of a necessary evolution of finding love. It isn’t quite the same, yes. But you have to admit, at least for those who subscribe to these apps, there is a certain thrill when it comes to navigating the virtual space for potential partners.

Navigating The Digital Realm

That rush of adrenaline and serotonin aside, it will become glaringly obvious how online dating is much more of a struggle. Yes, even more so than waiting on those fired up chats on a cheesy, archaic website dependent on a snail-paced dial-up connection. For all its comfort and convenience, it opens up to a whole new world of stereotypes and stress that ultimately makes you want to ditch the apps altogether. While that may sound definitive, and ultimately bad-ass, a world that is craving for human contact begs to differ. While everything else is limited and immobilized, as it should be, these online dating portals are our next best thing in wading through the pool of possibilities, at least for the time being.

Now, as we continue to bridge the probability of acquaintance and relationships at a time in crisis, we must exercise due diligence and careful consciousness when dealing with online dating apps. Listen, we hate to break it to you, but this is not your usual fairytale romance. There are no far off places, daring sword fights, magic spells, and certainly no prince in disguise.

This isn’t to discourage you from finding love, of course. Truth be told, and bitterness aside, there have been a whole lot of heartwarming success stories that despite what your cold heart will want to maintain, it makes you believe in love again and again and again. So, you continue to swipe, because as it stands, it might be your best chance yet.

Now, meet the 5 guys you will meet on online dating apps that will make you want to swipe right…or left, your choice, really.

The Creeper

Let me break it to you early on, you will encounter way more creeps than you will want to in the magical world of online dating. Ideally, these apps are hyped to be real, only better in terms of finding a soulmate. Hopefully. However, the app is littered with creepy, libido-driven maniacs masquerading with a cute smile and twinkling eyes. Do not be deceived, and most importantly, do not give in to that nagging temptation. Listen to that voice at the back of your head and remember why you signed up in the first place.

The #YoYo

They seem ideal, perfect even. Going through his profile online, you will see you have certain interests and friends in common. Heck, his funny bio has you gunning to swipe right. The moment you swipe you become a Tinder match and he initiates a smart and witty conversation that knocks you off your feet. The conversations go on (way past your intended bed time) and you slowly let your guard down. Everything goes swimmingly well until you realize he talks to you only when it is convenient for him.

“Hey, how are you?” you ask. No reply.

A tentative “Hi” (or worse, “yo!”) pops up hours later, sometimes with a knee-jerk excuse. True, he could be caught up, but trust that this will be a never-ending cycle. “Hey.” Like a mushroom fueled by convenience, he’ll sporadically make his presence felt online and then the cycle runs its course—again. Word of the wise: abandon ship when they cannot initiate and sustain a conversation beyond your thread on the app. You know, lest you get caught up in his web of uncertainty.

The Swiper No Swiping

He is perfect—the stuff made of dreams, really. Of course you are going to swipe right. You wait, and wait, and wait, but no match. Just when you are about to give up, a glimmer of hope comes in the form a bug in the online algorithm. When he comes up again within a certain radius in your immediate vicinity, you swipe right. “WHY DON’T YOU SWIPE RIGHT?!” Alas, still no match. Let us put destiny into play. There is probably good reason why the cosmos didn’t allow your (virtual) paths to cross. Don’t worry though; there are a lot of boys that will come up. Continue swiping to your liking.

The Harvester

Beach bum with a dreamy surfer body? Luscious curly locks that hint at sensuality? Carefully referencing Jonathan Safran Foer, Kazuro Ishiguro, and Junot Diaz hints at romance, yes please. Swipe right, no question. Lo and behold he swipes right and it’s a match. You may be a little stubborn, but you stand your ground. You want him to make the first move. But he doesn’t. You move on and take a swipe at other boys and it’s the same thing. Meet the harvesters. They seem to have this inane desire to bloat their ego with the most number of matches without actually doing anything about it. And that’s what they shall remain to be, nothing.

You can always make the first move, of course. But that move is all entirely up to you, and more often than not, it might bring you back to the first few online misses.

The Most Awesome Person You’ll Ever Meet

All hope is not lost, dear protagonist. You may have come across more than a handful of frog-like potentials, but know that there will bound to be that one match that is right for you. He isn’t perfect. Far from what you daydreamed about, he won’t tick off the little boxes in the list you made up. Just like many of literature’s enduring greats, it will become apparent that your paths were meant to cross, unexpected as it may be. You will talk, maybe even flirt a little and then leave your online bubble and talk elsewhere virtually, or hopefully sometime, in real life. And then who knows where your story takes from there, it all is up to you two now.

No fairy godmother (in digital format or not) could have ever bibidi-bobidi-boo-ed this. This is your own fairy tale, and it cannot be any more perfect than it already is.

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