Setting boundaries, even with family, is important for autonomy, respect, and healthy relationships.
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If Carlos Yulo’s statement regarding the media storm involving the Olympic athlete and his family and the reactions to it is anything to go by, setting boundaries is still pretty contentious, and it’s telling us a lot about how we perceive and value family and relationships and how we can improve them.
@carlosedriel @kulowi ʚ(╹.╹)ɞ ♬ original sound – Carlos Yulo
As Carlos discussed how his mother not only hid money he won at his competitions, but also made disparaging comments against his girlfriend Chloe, he brings up the notion of setting boundaries with his mother regarding the things he values in his life and how they can move on from all the drama that mars his historic Olympic achievements.
Reactions to his statement varied, but there were a few online that echoed sentiments such as “nanay mo pa rin yan” and “she only wanted what’s best for [Carlos]”. These sentiments people online have expressed involving just letting things slide just because someone is family only diminishes a person’s autonomy, implying that respect and boundaries work differently just because they’re related—when that’s really not the case.
What does it mean, exactly? Setting boundaries can range from expressing your discomfort at how someone talks to you or jokes with you to letting people know what parts of your past or your life are “don’t touch” topics. It’s not just healthy for a relationship—it’s empowering, important in developing and protecting autonomy, and ensures you are being respected as an independent human being with your own wants and needs.
TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR OWN LIFE
We should always remember that each of us are whole persons. While we need more guidance and support as children, we grow up to be human beings with agency and the capacity to make our own choices. Everyone has the agency to make their own decisions, and people should always encourage each other—whether family, children, friends, or partners—to channel and harness that. Setting boundaries is an indication of having control of your own life, and proof that you know yourself well enough to know what lines can’t be crossed.
DEFENDING WHAT NEEDS TO BE DEFENDED
A lot of the times, needing to set a boundary arises from differing perspectives about a certain aspect of your life. But as we said, people have agency, and they can fully stand by something on their own—for instance, in Carlos’ case, his relationship with Chloe. It’s important to be able to see things and relationships from different perspectives, because we can also be wrong, but setting boundaries also involves defending what you think should be defended.
When it comes to aspects of your life that you feel strongly about, like relationships, life choices, advocacies, even, boundaries can be a way to protect them and show how much you believe in them.
NO ONE IS ALWAYS RIGHT
No matter how wise, experienced, well-meaning, or eloquent someone is, that doesn’t mean they’re right 100% of the time. It certainly doesn’t give them the right to expect that their wills and ways are the only correct options to follow. Family members, parents in particular, often believe that they only want what’s best for their child, and that’s why they do certain things. For the most part, it’s true and valid. But that doesn’t mean their way is always the best. For instance, was Carlos Yulo’s mother hiding and lying about his money something that benefited her son?
No matter how much you love or respect a person, they’re still just a person, and they make mistakes and errors in judgement.
PROPER COMMUNICATION
It can get frustrating dealing with people who don’t respect boundaries, especially if they’re family that just keeps crossing them no matter how many times you communicate with them. But sending clear messages still helps get to the root of the problem. Tough conversations make for better relationships.
And if it still doesn’t work, sometimes, like Carlos Yulo, you simply have to let go and live your life—which also sends the message that if they don’t respect who you are as a person, then they don’t get to be around you. It’s a difficult ask, especially if you are young and still depend on your family, but there are other ways to communicate a set boundary and the repercussions that come with crossing it. You deserve to be respected, and you deserve your peace.
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